Ask a Therapist - Navigating Triggers

We don't want to get stuck in the why. You are the way that you are for very valid reasons, and you didn't ask to be triggered. You didn't ask to be put in these situations. But if you want to be in them, it's a sign of your bravery and your care and positive relationships that you're trying to reach out to. (gentle music) Hi, I am Ryan. I'm a therapist with Headspace and welcome back to another episode of "Ask a Therapist". And this next question comes to us from Lisa, who has a question about holiday time spent with the family. Question goes, "I often feel trapped in survival mode "when I return home to my family, as my thoughts tend "to dwell on past trauma and negativity. "I've attempted to sit down and understand my feelings, "but this usually sends me into a downward spiral "of frustration when I can't find clarity. "My mother's critical voice lingers in my mind, "making it hard to tune her out while I'm with them. "And I'm not sure how to be around my family without feeling triggered. "Do you have any suggestions on how to stay grounded "in these situations?" Well, Lisa, thank you so much for asking this question. It's obvious that you're going through a really difficult time with your family. In therapy, when we're working on these sorts of family dynamics, we get stuck in wanting to understand the why. Whether it's why do we feel this way? Why is my mom this way? Why is my family this way? And that question of why can be a really big stuck point. And then as you described, it can cause this downward spiral where not only are we trying to figure out why, but we think there must be something wrong with us, must be something wrong with me. Why can't I figure this out? Why can't I just relax with my family? And sometimes in therapy we get to a point where we have to ground ourselves in essentially acceptance of my family is a little bit triggering, or my family is a little bit dysfunctional, my family is a little bit tense when we're all together. So a tense situation naturally is gonna cause tension for me when I'm in it. So when you're in that situation, instead of getting stuck in the why, we're trying to lean into your values of why you're there in the first place. And I would reflect back to you that your desire to be in that environment with those people that you care about, despite those circumstances, is a real sign of bravery. And that's the sort of emotion that we would wanna lean into is that I am practicing bravery. I am practicing courage. I'm practicing love. These are acts of love. Even though these people can make me uncomfortable sometimes. And where we would try to create some room for you is that when you...