Ask a Therapist - Rebuilding Connections

Boundaries can be a scary word, right? Sometimes we hear and we think of boundaries as something you only do with someone that you're having a conflict with, but you can have boundaries with the people that you care about most in this world. (screen whooshing) (gentle bright music) Hi, I'm Ryan. I'm a therapist with Headspace, and welcome back to "Ask a Therapist." Today we have a question from Ali, who has a relationships and family question. The question is, "I have a family member who consistently gives unsolicited advice and insists they are entitled to share their opinion, even when I express it makes me uncomfortable. They often respond by saying I can't take criticism. I feel anxious and nervous about speaking with them, and I often struggle with how to interact. While I usually find it easy to be authentic and vulnerable with others, being open with this person leaves me exposed to criticism. I haven't spoken to them in a year, but we're planning to reconcile. How can I have this conversation authentically while setting boundaries to protect myself?" Well, Ali, this is a great question, and just by asking, it shows that you are interested in being vulnerable. So that's a value that you have. If we were working on a question like this in therapy, I would ask you what your thoughts about are this person in terms of what they want for you when they give you this unsolicited advice. 'Cause I assume, if they are a person that's close to you, that you care about and they care about you, that their advice is coming from a place because they want to help you, they want you to do well, they want you to feel better. And that's why they're giving this advice. But sometimes it feels like this advice is maybe infringing on your ability to take care of yourself or is painful to hear in any number of different ways. When you have the opportunity to reconcile with this person, presumably they know that some of those tense interactions are the reason why you've been apart for so long. Being able to call that out, and say, "Hey, you know, I know you really want to give me advice sometimes, and I also know that you wanna gimme that advice because you care about me, and I appreciate that you care about me, but I wanna feel that care. I don't wanna feel that criticism. So if, when you wanna offer advice, maybe you could ask my permission first. You know, at least then I'm kind of bought in, and I'm ready. If I need to put my armor on to hear some criticism, I can be ready for that. And then we can be in a little bit more of a shared space so that we can actually help each other." But one other thing I wanna call out here is obviously there's been some distance in this relationship for...