When Grief Comes at Night

Today, I'll be discussing why grief can sometimes creep up at night, and what we can do to address and ease those feelings of loss and restlessness. Grief is a natural and normal response to loss, whether it's a physical loss or a symbolic one. While it's a universal experience that we all face in some form during our lifetime, the grief journey itself is unique and individual to each of us. For some, we might busy ourselves with activities or tasks throughout the day to avoid the weight of our grief, which is why our grief may show up at night. There are no more distractions to turn to when we're lying in bed in the dark. It might seem like the thought of a person who's passed or an experience of loss just randomly popped into our minds. But what we don't realize is that there's something triggering that. Nighttime is when our body wants to do its healing work. It's no coincidence that when we slow down and sleep, our bodies repair themselves, from regenerating cells and tissue, to regulating the production of hormones and strengthening our immune system. And grief work is also part of our body's repair work. Grief truly is a full-body experience, a psychological injury that has physiological and biological manifestations. One of the most important parts of grief work is bringing the feelings we suppress during the day into consciousness, so that we can name what's happening and move beyond an autonomic response. An autonomic response, for example, might be when we hear a sound that startles us, and our body immediately clinches up. Our body has coded the sound with danger, which triggers this fight or flight response. The same response might happen when the physical symptoms of grief can activate it at night. I've had grieving clients describe their body as tingly or feeling like it's on fire at night. Some report an inability to stop the metacognitive, so thinking about what they're thinking about. And others report gastrointestinal issues or joint pain. This is why it is so important to cognitively name our grief, to help the brain differentiate between a stress response and a grief response. Doing so desensitizes that limbic system activation, and allows the brain to relax and to know it is safe. The best piece of advice I have for those experiencing grief at night is to create a bedtime routine and morning routine. But let's take that one step further. I like to tell my clients to create rhythms. While routines are great for structure, they can sometimes negate what our bodies actually need on any given day. Rhythms, on the other hand, require that we pay attention to, and are mindful of, how we're actually feeling. They remind us to honor whatever is coming up in that moment. If our bodies are aching because of grief, pausing and addressing the ache allows us to connect to how our grief is manifesting. So keep...