Will Forgiveness Help Me Move On?

Hi, I'm Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and New York Times bestselling author. I specialize in relationships and setting boundaries, so I've partnered with Headspace to show you how to navigate some of the trickiest relationships in life, the ones with your family. When I think of forgiveness, I think of this process that we go through to recover ourselves. In that process, sometimes our relationships don't recover. In that process, sometimes we don't forget about what happened. We may choose to continue in the relationship or we may choose not to. It's not one thing. Forgiving is a process, but it can be really helpful and you can figure out what that looks like. There are some common myths around forgiveness, and I want to address a few of those. Just because you've forgiven someone, it doesn't mean that you'll never bring that thing up again. We are still bothered by stuff. Sometimes, maybe I think about the thing with the person present and I just mention it, not as a, "We need to process it," but I remember. Another myth is when you forgive someone, you have to stay in the relationship. Forgiveness may look like disconnection for you. Think about some of the messaging you received around having to get over it and unlearn that you need to move past things in order to move forward. Forgiveness looks different for everyone, so it's important to figure out what it looks like for you. Grab a pen and write down answers to these questions. What did forgiveness mean at home when you were growing up? Was there an expectation to forgive everyone no matter what? Did family members withhold forgiveness as a punishment, or to get even? Once you apologized, did that mean the conflict was over, never to be brought up again? Thinking about the beliefs you grew up with, do you think they're helpful to you today? Why or why not? If you answered no to that last question, you might explore ways to approach forgiveness that better serve you in your current relationships. Sometimes we quickly rush to forgiveness because we want something to be over and done, and it's okay to not know. If you're confused about, "Should I forgive? Shouldn't I forgive? I feel terrible for not moving past this," allow yourself to just feel whatever you need to feel without quickly making a decision. Forgiveness isn't one size fits all. You can choose whether you want to forgive depending on the situation. If you do forgive, do it with TLC. Talk it out, let them know your boundaries, and communicate clearly. These conversations aren't always easy to have. You can prepare by writing down your thoughts first. That way, you can communicate clearly, even if you're a little nervous. Step one, talk it out. Let's say your mom shares something personal about you with a friend, even after you asked them to keep it between you. You might say something like,...