Surviving Heartbreak with Shan Boodram

(bright music) Headspace Studios. (gentle music) Hi, everyone. Welcome to Radio Headspace and to Friday. It's Shan Boodram here. Thank you so much for having me as your guest host this week. Seriously, it's been an honor. As you probably know by now, I'm a certified sexologist and host of Headspace's "Hung Up", a show where I help people move on from an ex they cannot stop thinking about. And speaking of breakups, today, I'll share some lessons that my research and personal experience have taught me about how to move on after we decide to break up with someone. (gentle music) A breakup in my past that really stands out to me is my last breakup, and I really did not enjoy the experience of relating, living with, and towards the end, loving that individual. But that did not change the fact that even though I knew it was the healthiest and best thing for me when we did finally break up, the withdrawal was so strong. And it was actually through that experience that led me to really research and understand why are we so drawn to our romantic partners even after we acknowledge that they don't bring out the best in us and that our best version of ourselves is not possible with them? It was through the research that I did around the science of breakups and the science of attachments that allowed me to come to terms with why I missed an ex that was not a good fit for me, and furthermore, to move on from that ex completely. And what I truly learned is that we are born to bond. That is a natural function of being a human, that we are social animals, and it's through our romantic partnerships that we seek out safety. So in acknowledging that it is beautiful that as humans we're born to bond but also can be very dangerous if we're bonded to the wrong person, that helps to explain to me why I still held onto connections, even though being within inside of these connections was deeply harmful for me. I think understanding the science of why breakups are so hard and why attachments, specifically, romantic attachments are so strong can be an integral key to getting over breakups, because it gives you a why. Because if you don't have a concrete why and an understanding for the universality of this experience, you can personalize it and tend to idealize it. Being that, "Man, even though I know we weren't the best together, the fact that I miss them must mean we're destined for each other." When in truth, it just means that you've got some work to do in untangling that relationship, coming to a space, getting to know yourself more intimately, coming to love yourself more fully so that you can realize why that space was never gonna be an optimal space for you, that person, or for love to thrive. (gentle music) (birds chirping)...