Ask Sam - Navigating Tension

Emotions act as an internal compass, letting us know what's most important to us. I'm Sam Snowden, and this is Ask a Teacher. "My mom often nags me all the time about even the littlest things and it really impacts my emotional health. I tell her to stop yelling at me, but she never listens and says that I'm overreacting. How am I supposed to get my point across?" First, I wanna say that that's really rough. It's so natural to feel frustrated and angry when we sense that our needs and emotions are being overlooked or ignored. in moments when we're experiencing difficult emotions like anger, it's so important to remind ourselves why we have emotions in the first place. So it's helpful to understand that emotions act as an internal compass, letting us know what's most important to us, and this helps us to understand what's missing or what we're needing in moments when they arise. It sounds like in the situation that you described that you were needing some deep listening and some understanding from your mom. When someone tells us that we're overreacting, we can feel as if we're being judged and that our emotional experience is being rejected and in the midst of that big emotion, it's really easy to start to overgeneralize and use words like always and never. So think about what they tell you on a plane, that you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before anyone else. And in the middle of difficult moments like when you felt angry or frustrated, it's helpful to bring your awareness inward just for a moment and notice the way the emotion is showing up for you mentally and physically. So scan through your body to notice sensations like pressure and pulsing, and then notice the urges that you're feeling in the moment. And when you observe in this way, you're allowing yourself to respond instead of react, which allows you to get clear on what you're needing so that you can communicate with your mom. And it may take some time to practice, so be sure to ask for some time alone if you need it, so that you can really explore this inner experience that you're having. So use self-compassion to acknowledge how difficult it is to be feeling all of this right now and take a moment to greet that pain with kindness and compassion, the way you might hold your knee when you hit it against the table and then ask yourself, what am I needing? So as you get clear on your needs, you'll be better able to share them with your mom and this may help you both communicate with more ease and less strain. It's been so great to connect with you through your questions, and I wish you a healthy and happy day, and we'll see you again soon. (mellow music)...