Ask Sam - The Need to Be Liked

Whether we're aware of it or not, we're always in the back of our minds wondering if people care about us and care about what we're saying. (upbeat electronic music) Hi. I'm Sam Snowden and this is "Ask A Teacher." How do I deal with the need to be liked, whether it's on social media or at school? So first, let's just acknowledge that knowing and trusting that people enjoy our company is a wonderful feeling. It also gives us this very important feeling of belonging. So when you notice the desire to be liked, try greeting the thought by saying, "Of course you wanna be liked," with the most compassionate and loving inner voice that you can muster. Being liked equals safety. We're social beings, right? So our relationships bring a lot to our lives. They bring meaning, they bring joy and opportunities, but changing who we are in radical ways is unsustainable. We'll burn out and we'll end up really unhappy. So as cliche as it sounds, we can start with working on feeling at home within our own selves. And as our self-talk becomes more supportive, accepting, loving, and kind, so do we. So if you wanna try something that's guaranteed to be a crowd pleaser, you can try the practice of deep listening. And meditation is a form of deep listening, right? We're listening to ourselves, we're listening to our thoughts, our emotions, and the body sensations that we're having. But you can also practice deep listening with others in your life. And that means you're just listening with your full attention, right? You're not interrupting or analyzing or judging, but you're just being fully present, free of distraction as people speak with you. We can develop this skill in our relationships by remembering that attention equals care. And whether we're aware of it or not, we're always in the back of our minds wondering if people care about us and care about what we're saying. So you can remind yourself that paying attention shows I care. And this reminds us to look up from our phones, pause before interrupting, and be fully present with the person in front of us. Thank you so much for watching today. It's been so great to connect with you through these questions. I wish you a healthy and happy day and look forward to seeing you again soon. (upbeat electronic music)...