How to deal with a toxic parent, sibling, or other family member

The first thing my therapist said to me was, “You have to figure out what role you want to play within this relationship dynamic.” She explained that I was stuck in a family triangle as the piece holding my brother and parents together. “This is a tough place to be and is a lot of pressure to put on you,” she noted. After much thought, I decided I didn’t want to be the middleman anymore. If my parents and brother wanted to talk to each other, they had to do it on their own terms.

To reinforce my newly defined intentions, I realized I had to set boundaries. I told my parents I no longer felt comfortable discussing and analyzing my brother with them. Then, I told my brother if he had anything he wanted to relay to my parents, he should do it directly.

During one session, my therapist asked, “What do you need right now in this situation?” Without giving it too much thought, I replied, “a break.” I took a step back and concluded that talking to my brother was only causing my stress level to go up. With everything going on in my life, that was the last thing I needed. I decided I needed to pull back from the relationship. I established that if he called, I would answer but I wouldn’t go out of my way to make contact with him. I was sick of him making me feel guilty over my personal achievements (and failing to acknowledge I’d worked my butt off for them). So I decided to block him from my Facebook updates. If he wasn’t able to see photos of my husband and me on vacations and updates about success at work, then he had nothing to hold above my head.

“Remember no one has the ‘TV family,’” says Susan Trombetti, relationship expert and owner of Exclusive Matchmaking. In deciding to back away from my brother, I was reminded that, for many years, my father didn’t speak to one of his brothers. My mother has had issues with her sisters all of her life and engages in the bare minimum of contact with them. I realized that it doesn’t make me a terrible person if my brother and I don’t become the closest people on Earth, especially if I’ve given it a fair attempt.

My initial concern with cutting my brother off was that he would get mad and pull away from me indefinitely. But at the end of the day, I reminded myself: 1) If that happened, it wouldn’t entirely be my fault, 2) He’ll likely come back around when he gets his life in order and works on himself. And as I've implemented these changes, I’ve found the latter to be true. My brother will disappear from my life for six months at a time, but then I’ll receive an out-of-the-blue text or email from him. During those six months, I’m happily drama-free; when he comes back around, he’s gentler in his approach, as our relationship has had the space that it needed.

No matter how much my brother has tried to blame me for his shortcomings and our lack of a relationship, I’ve had to remind myself that he is in control of his own life. Trombetti stresses that it’s important to remember that “they are broke and you can’t fix them. You can only operate from your own moral compass and not get caught up in their anger, drama, or toxic behavior.”