Mindful sex

You know the routine you go through when you pull out in your car? You look at the mirrors, put on your indicators and then apply the gas. You probably do it without even thinking, because it’s become such a hardwired behavior. Now, it’s not a very flattering comparison but it is possible for sex to become a similar matter of routine, particular if you’ve been with your partner for a long time. What you did at first to satisfy each other has become almost automatic. The problem with this is that, just as in the car, the behavior has become so automatic that the mind may not be present at all, and that can be a real passion-killer.

The best way to handle this is to develop your ability to bring your attention back into the body. This is easily done by focusing on your breath at regular intervals throughout the day, when you’re waiting in line, or waiting for the kettle to boil. Concentrate on the flow of air through your nose and mouth, the feeling of diaphragm rising and falling. That way, if you do notice that your mind has wandered when you’re in bed with your partner, you’ll be much more practiced at coming back into your body.

Don’t worry, you needn’t physically chain yourself to anything. Just try to notice a physical sensation that’s occurring right now, and if you find your mind wandering, bring your mind back to it. The good news is that the more that you do this, the more neurological pathways are formed, and that means that it’s easier each time. This increases your chances of remaining physically in the here and now, which is just what you need for really great sex.

Developing a meditation practice will really help you get some perspective on the passage of thought through the mind. That way if you do find yourself distracted, you’ll be more aware of the distraction and therefore more able to counter it with mindfulness. Regular meditation has also been shown to reduce the amount of cortisol in the brain, the hormone which we experience as stress. In evolutionary terms cortisol is produced as a ‘fight or flight’ response, so it directs blood to essential functions like the muscles and away from the extremities like the genitals. Cortisol actually reduces the libido (no time for sex if you’re on the run from a sabre-toothed tiger), so if you lower cortisol you can actually increase libido - which means you’ll want sex more. Your partner is bound to be flattered.