How to stop negative self-talk

• We can’t stop our thoughts, but we can change how we talk to ourselves

• Meditation helps us put more space between our thoughts and chatter that drags us down, so we have the chance to choose kinder words

• Try meditations to stop negative self-talk with Headspace

We’ve all heard that voice in our heads. The one that helps us work through problems, make decisions, reach conclusions, and firm up beliefs. This mental chatter is what psychologists call self-talk.

Self-talk is important in how we think about and treat ourselves and the world around us. Research shows how we speak to ourselves has a powerful impact on our mental and physical health, including managing stress.

Typically, we speak to ourselves kindly and compassionately if we have high self-worth. And our actions reflect that. Maybe we think: “Oh, I caught myself biting my nails. I want to stop that habit, but it’s hard to stop.” Our self-talk might reply, “Sure, I messed up, but I’ll give myself a manicure tonight. That’ll make me feel better about myself.”

If we experience constant negative self-talk, it’s hard to hear anything else. In these conditions, we might have the same thought: “Oh, I caught myself biting my nails. I want to stop that habit, but it’s hard to stop.” But this time, our self-talk might reply, “I messed up. I have no control over myself. I’m a failure.”

What happened? We believed our self-talk and assumed how we feel in the moment reflects the way things are — “I feel it, so it must be true.” In reality, that’s not always the case. Our thoughts and feelings don’t need to control our moods or behavior.

If constant negativity is harmful, why do we do it? The answer is survival. Our ancient ancestors lived in a threatening world and were more likely to survive if they were prepared for the worst. As a response, they developed an instinct that favored negative thinking.

Today, those threats are largely gone, but the instinct remains. We’re all born with a glass-half-empty view. And the more we indulge in negative self-talk, the stronger our negative bias gets — the brain actually strengthens our neural pathways toward negative thinking. Other people’s criticisms and opinions have also influenced the mind since childhood. All this makes it easy for the mind to think up reasons to question our self-worth and bring us down.

Before we react with, “Oh no!” or “Welp, that proves it — I’m doomed!” or some other negative self-talk, consider for a minute that this news isn’t all bad. If these thoughts are part of what makes us human, we’re not alone in having them. Everyone we meet and see and admire has faced the same feelings of doubt or fear of failure and other negative emotions we might face daily. We’re not alone.

With this increased awareness, we can start tapping into self-compassion and give ourselves a break.

A lot of advice for tuning out negative self-talk from our inner voice focuses on replacing it with positive self-talk. Like many other shortcuts, that’s too good to be true. Healthy self-esteem comes from changing our relationship with our thoughts, not from overriding them with positive ones.

Trying to force ourselves or others to be happy can be emotionally toxic. We meet a new set of challenges by taking a “positive vibes only” approach. We begin denying or minimizing our experiences, which triggers guilt and shame. Maybe we start showing up for ourselves when things are good. But when they’re not, we might feel defeated and judge ourselves more harshly for being unable to grin and bear it. Despite our good intentions, we set ourselves up to fail.

Here’s a more practical alternative: when we get caught up in negative self-talk, we can pause and ask ourselves, “If a close friend shared this view with me, how might I respond to them?” Chances are, we’d speak to them gently and sympathetically, no matter what they’re going through. We’d provide them with validation, comfort, and a healthy sense of perspective. Imagine if we did that for ourselves. What would happen if we treated ourselves like that instead of being harsh and critical? As Headspace teacher Dora Kamau says, “If we are kinder to ourselves, we can accept ourselves as we are. And if we accept ourselves, we can love ourselves as we are.”

We can also reconsider our view of self-talk altogether. The truth is, self-talk isn’t good or bad. It’s only harmful if we keep returning to a negative mindset (or toxic positivity) out of habit. This approach makes it feel like less of a fight against negative self-talk. Instead, we hear our critical inner voice, acknowledge it, then let it go.

Meditation won’t stop negative self-talk. But it will help us put more space between our thoughts and chatter that drags us down, so we have the chance to choose kinder words. Here are a few easy meditation techniques to help us find some perspective.

• Sunlight visualization

Imagine liquid sunlight streaming into the body. We can visualize the sun beaming over our whole body, or we can imagine it warming up each part, one by one, from the top of our head down to our toes. Doing this can make us feel lighter and comforted on the spot.

• Noting

If we get distracted by negative self-talk (while we meditate or do anything else), the noting meditation technique helps us call it out. We stop to recognize, “Oh, I’m thinking. Oh, I’m not being so kind to myself.” This simple act gives us a sense of having dealt with it and makes it easier to let go of the distraction and return to whatever we’re doing. When we get distracted again — and we will — repeat the process of pausing, noting, and letting go.

• Blue Sky meditation

We can remember the blue sky when we’re caught up in negative self-talk and searching for relief. Here’s what we mean: At Headspace, we’ve often understood the mind to be like the blue sky. Our thoughts and feelings come and go, like the clouds in the sky. But no matter how many dark clouds roll in, the blue sky is always there.

Meditation teaches us to be kind to our mind — how to be less judgmental and critical. Once we learn to let go of those harsh ways of thinking, we find that kinder mind.

The more often we practice meditation, the easier it becomes to replace our old habit of negativity with one of acceptance. Just 10 days of using Headspace has been shown to increase satisfaction with life by 7.5%.

The Headspace app has hundreds of guided exercises to help you build your practice. Start by exploring these three meditations to help you stop negative self-talk and be kind to your mind. A happier, healthier you is a few breaths away.

• Kindness meditation course

Foster feelings of compassion towards yourself.

• Acceptance meditation course

Learn to let go of resistance and find acceptance.

• Balance meditation course

Recognize calmness and become less reactive.

Connecting with a Headspace mental health coach can be an incredibly supportive step for anyone struggling with negative self-talk. Coaches are trained to offer compassionate guidance based on your unique experiences and challenges. Through one-on-one text-based sessions, your coach will help you identify the triggers behind your negative thoughts and develop personalized strategies to combat them. By incorporating mindfulness techniques and realistic exercises, a coach can teach you how to create a healthier dialogue with yourself.

This supportive relationship fosters accountability, encouraging you to practice self-compassion and implement meditative techniques, ultimately steering you towards a more positive mindset. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone — having a coach by your side will empower you to break free from the cycle of negativity and embrace a kinder, more loving perspective towards yourself.