Are You Holding Onto Resentment?

Headspace Studios. Hey friends, it's Rosie here. Welcome to Radio Headspace and to Tuesday. There's an old Buddhist saying, holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it to someone else. You are the one who gets burned. Needless to say, I've burned myself more times than I'd like to admit. There was a situation a few years ago where I felt deeply wronged by someone. A close friend betrayed my trust, and instead of addressing it head on, I let the resentment fester. Every time I thought about it, my stomach would tighten, my jaw would clench. I was carrying this anger like a weight, and the worst part, they had no idea. They had completely moved on. We would go have a tea date and they would carry on like everything was well in the world. Meanwhile, I sat there stewing, deep in the grips of my internal suffering. Okay, well, maybe it wasn't that deep, but it sure felt like it. I think at an intellectual level, we know and maybe even understand that resentment doesn't punish the other person. It punishes us. So there's this idea that if we let go, it's beneficial to us, right? We let go not for their sake, but for our own peace so that we can reclaim our energy. But it's not that easy because here's what actually happened. It wasn't some massive earth shattering betrayal. She didn't steal from me or do something so obviously unforgivable. What she did was take something I had shared with her in confidence, something I had said in a moment of venting, and she passed it along to a mutual friend. At first, I had no clue, but when that mutual friend casually brought it up in conversation, I felt my stomach drop. It was one of those moments where time slows down for a second and you're just replaying everything in your head thinking, wait, how did they know that? And then it clicked. I felt exposed, embarrassed, angry, but mostly I felt betrayed. This was someone I trusted, someone I'd been vulnerable with, and now what I had shared in private had become casual conversation for other people. And instead of addressing it, though, I did what a lot of us do. I stuffed it down, I smiled through it. I told myself it wasn't that big of a deal, but every time I saw this friend, I felt it. This low grade simmering resentment, the coal. And instead of bringing it up, I let it fester. They had no idea I was mad at them, none. We would still grab tea, still have conversations, and while they were talking about their life, I sat there nodding, pretending everything was fine. While on the inside, I was still gripping that coal in the palm of my hand, turning it as it scolded me again and again. And here's the part that really got me. This...